It’s been a decade and a half since The 40-Year-Old Virgin was released. We’ve seen the movie a dozen or more times in that period, and each time is crazier than the last.

Andy (Steve Carell) is the underdog we didn’t realize we needed, but it’s his buddies we want to hang out with the most: Cal (Seth Rogen), Jay (Romany Malco), David (Paul Rudd), and even Mooj (Steve Carell) (Gerry Bednob). They’re a ragtag bunch of brothers who are somehow so lovable that you can’t help but wish they were your buddies, doling out the same amount of shite to you as they do to Andy throughout the film.

It’s one of the reasons why, even after all these years, no one can stop quoting the 40-Year-Old Virgin in casual conversation. Hey, we’ve got to have something in our arsenal besides dad jokes.

Another reason the film is so gruesome? The ladies who make up the other half of the 40-Year-Old Virgin group are just as funny. Catherine Keener, Elizabeth Banks, Jane Lynch, Kat Dennings, Mindy Kaling, and Leslie Mann are among the cast members.

We didn’t even include all of the quick cameos by some of our other favorite performers in this cast. After that, you add the topic matter: A dumb 40-year-old man is “aided” in getting laid by his idiot “friends.”

What makes you think you won’t spend the next two hours or so laughing your head off? We’re not going to be able to do it. From the scene where Andy announces that he rides a bike to the legendary waxing scene (which is included here) to every interaction with a woman, we’re dying.

So, you know, we went to the trouble of scouring the internet for the best quotes for your reading — and screaming — pleasure. If you dare, read these at work.

Andy’s Favorite Quotes 40-Year-Old Virgin

  • “It’s a Mentos. They’re the fresh-maker.”
  • “I hope you got a big trunk ’cause I’m putting my bike in it.”
  • Beth: “We could do it in the butt if you want to.”
  • Andy: “But, if I want to what?”
  • “You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!”
  • Andy: “Hold my hand.”
  • Cal: “What?! No.”
  • Andy: “Hold my god damn hand, man!”
  • “Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?”
  • Andy: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because it’s more than four hours and your ad said to call if it’s been more than four hours.”
  • Operator: “How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?”
  • Andy: “I haven’t taken any, but your ad said that if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours, you call.”
  • “You know, when you, like, you grab a woman’s breast and it’s… and you feel it and… it feels like a bag of sand when you’re touching it.”
  • “I may not have had sex, but I can fuck you up.”
  • “That tasted like shellfish.”

Cal’s Favorite Quotes

  • Andy: [referring to his shirt] “Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?”
  • Cal: “No. What’s Curious George like in real life?”
  • “There are three rules when it comes to talking to women. Number one: Ask questions, don’t say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you’re just gonna let them do that. Two: Be cool. And, three, be kind of a dick. Look. Be like David Caruso in Jade.”
  • David: “Did you just flick me in the nuts?”
  • Cal: “No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.”
  • “You know what’s a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PMs and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that’s the best part about the game.”
  • “Screw these analogies, OK? What he’s saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don’t wanna have sex with someone you like, ’cause they’ll think you’re a weirdo for being so lame at it.”
  • “When I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.”
  • “I don’t wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment.”
  • “That’s a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance. No… if Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.”
  • “Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? “Look! He’s got a billion toys!”
  • “OK, we just take everything that’s embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn’t look like you live in Neverland Ranch.”
  • “You should totally tell her, man. ‘
  • Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was “Don’t lie.” And that was a smart move.”

40-Year-Old Virgin Quotes From Jay

  • [Using a dildo as a phone] “Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.”
  • “All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows how to tackle a gazelle? It’s written, it’s code written in their DNA that says, ‘Tackle the gazelle.’”
  • “Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who’s falling down on her way out of the bar you should probably drive.”
  • “OK, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?”
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