By Katniss Everclear, Redditor-In-Chief

The System of the Universities of Missouri has been hit hard with budget cuts from the state level. These budget cuts directly impact the hiring of quality teachers and services offered to those students at the St. Louis University of Missouri.

Governor of Missouri, the honorable Derek Brightens, decided that higher education can find funding from its students, faculty, and staff in Missouri. Brightens said, “They have money. Just because they say they don’t doesn’t mean they don’t.”

Because to-the-death competitions for what funding was left killed too many students, faculty, and staff, Brightens had to be creative. “I was told it might hurt my chances of becoming president if we continued to take out our assets this way. We need students to be the cash cows to pay for the faculty and staff. So we needed a find a new way for the campuses to generate money since I need all I can get to be able to help cut taxes for billion dollar corporations,” he said.

Brightens announced Monday that campuses will compete to raise money for the whole system through Penny Wars. “Competition is good for the campuses. They should have to work for their pay, services, and amenities they use to attract more cows … I mean students.”

The Penny War is to start immediately and end right before the start of the next fiscal year. Everyone is asked to participate in order to raise money for the whole system.

One student pulled out the lining of his jeans. “It’s a shake down every time I come to campus now. My couch has no more pennies to give,” he said as he hurried to class.

The fundraiser has its typical rules that pennies are used as positive numbers for the campus, and silver coins (nickels, dimes, and quarters) are used as negative numbers against others’ totals. Brightens also added dollars and gold doubloons as negative counters, too.

Sara Prissy from the Zoo campus complained about the competition, “It’s not fair they don’t take checks. My daddy would have given me a whole lot, but the bank won’t exchange it for that many pennies. This competition isn’t fair. Zoo will be an easy target for the other campuses since it typically gets the tiger’s share of the budget from the system.”

Larry Preferstostayannonymous had a different view. Larry said, “Our campus is super small. How can we compete with the numbers that Zoo has, or any of the other campuses?”

In Brightens’ press release, he said that the campus funds will all be pooled at the end of the competition time, and then split up among the campuses based on if they came in first, second, third, fourth, or whatever. First will get 40 percent of the amount raised, second 30 percent, third 20 percent, and fourth 10 percent.

The administration at SLUM is urging everyone to give till it hurts. Chief Sorrynotsorry told everyone, “Hey, if you don’t want that fancy new eye building or weight room to deteriorate, then you are going to have to cough up some change. Also if you like the program you are in, you better make sure it’s around next year with some donations. You thought budget cuts were bad, this will be worse if we don’t work together in this fundraiser.”

President of the System of the Universities of Missouri Tommy Boi has been asking for corporate donations to make sure no penny is left behind. Students, faculty, and staff have taken to the streets in a campaign to ask for change for their school. Unfortunately, some have been arrested for panhandling but are expected to be released, because it was for a good cause (higher education). Boi is supposed to meet with the police association to avoid future arrests and foster a good working relationship during the fundraising period.

Science teamed up with anthropology to use metal detectors to scan the places students from the ‘60s and ‘70s were known to congregate. Lisa Jones, head of the Anthropology/Archaeology Department, said, “We had to dig down through several levels of cigarette and marijuana ash, but we finally found the elusive change that fell out of those bellbottoms in the grass decades ago.” It turned out to be one of the best alumni giving programs in the history of the school.