By Katniss Everclear, Redditor-In-Chief
With new travel bans and travel restrictions hitting the United States, international students at the St. Louis University of Missouri are feeling picked on for their heritage. The excessive background checks and deportation threats have affected one famous alumnus of SLUM.
Travelocity’s iconic Roaming Gnome graduated in 1991 with his degree in navigation with a minor in savings. Gnome was released from FBI custody April 1 and held a news conference outside FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C., where he had been mistakenly held and questioned for three days on suspicion of being a Russian Troll.
Roaming Gnome’s attorney said his client was shaken from the experience and the 24-hour interrogation about his frequent flights to former Soviet Republics.
“Where hasn’t my client been?” questioned Attorney Justice D. Nyde. “My client was targeted because of his Lapland heritage. Lapland being adjacent to Russia in Finland has caused my client untold grief. Yes, he can see Russia from his home, but that doesn’t make him a Russian agent any more than it made Sarah Palin one.”
Gnome’s attorney went on to reveal details of his client’s arrest. Gnome had been picked up by agents shortly after delivering a talk on multiculturalism and how travel broadens one’s perspective on SLUM’s campus. The program was sponsored by the Wandering Afar Department. Roaming Gnome is one of SLUM’s best known alumni. His parents fled to America during the Russo-Finish War in 1939 and eventually came to live in a small garden in St. Louis. Here amid cement frogs and birdbaths, Roaming Gnome grew up—or as much growing as it takes to be 18 inches tall.
After completing his studies at SLUM, Roaming Gnome longed to see more of the world and eventually his globe-trotting lifestyle and knowledge of virtually every culture made him the perfect spokesperson for Travelocity. According to his official biographer, Roaming Gnome holds dual citizenship and likes to winter in his native Finland, where his conical hat and whiskers come in handy retaining body heat.
An unnamed source within the FBI said the agency was chagrined to say the least that their agents in St. Louis had mistaken Gnome for a Russian Troll. The source told The Stagnant, “Apparently the official seal of Lapland is a Wildman holding a club. Someone mistook the Wildman for a troll, so we started extreme vetting of persons from Lapland. In our defense, they do look a lot alike.” Anonymous sources, speaking strictly on background, said the department did offer Gnome a frequent harassment bonus on his next arrest.
Gnome said he has learned a lot from this unfortunate experience and offered this advice to other foreign nationals and those with dual citizenships, “Travel wisely.”
The Department of Homeland Insecurity, issued new travel restrictions, expanding the list of fantasy realm creatures from just Russian Trolls, to mountain giants, bog hags, elves, brownies, fairies, goblins, and gnomes. House and Senate Intelligence Committees in Congress meanwhile have engaged the services of white wizards to help get to the bottom of how the Russian Trolls were able to cast a dark spell over so many in the American electorate when they were believed by the CIA to be hiding under bridges and attacking the odd billy goat.
President Drumpf meanwhile tweeted at 3 a.m. yesterday, “Why is the media ignoring bigger story, Rapunzel hostage situation. Much worse. Democrats to blame. #MAGA.”