Katnip Everclear, Herder of Cats
After years of being pushed aside and generally ignored, the St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) has decided to secede from the other Missouri system campuses.
Chancellor G. Eorge looked at the numbers of the past year and decided that SLUM could raise more money on its own than to keep pushing for collective money from the state. The Chancellor started lobbying State Representatives and State Senators and they were all for SLUM secession. “Sometimes you just have to quit hiding your light under a basket,” said Chancellor Eorge.
“They LOVE us. We have so many legislators from St. Louis, they are totally for supporting this St. Louis gem,” the Chancellor said.
House Speaker Dodd Dickson commented on the plan, “When we saw how abysmally SLUM was treated at the System Day we wondered what the heck was going on. It’s like the System Syndicate doesn’t want anyone to know how great SLUM is. Best Business School in the nation, Veteran programs, nursing, education, optometry, social sciences, bio-science, chemical weapons research, and, my personal favorite, political science. Not to mention your football team is undefeated since 1963.”
Over the last couple years, the Missouri system has been getting some backlash from the state. Some lawmakers think the only students who go to college are wasting their parent’s money or getting useless degrees that don’t help them in the real world. They were only vocal about this sentiment because it attracted national media attention and unwanted attention in the capital. Some campuses were stigmatized more than others.
“SLUM has always been in the news for great things. The lawmakers know that and they want to reward us. In the system, we are always forgotten and get the lowest amount of funding,” Chancellor G. Eorge said.
The Vice Chancellor for SLUM Advancement will be in charge of asking for money from our alumni and other donors. The SLUM Advancement Vice Chancellor Monty Asques said, “I think we will have an easy time getting money. We will likely be the only public university outside the system receiving money from the state. Such a situation will garner the attention of so much media that people will generously open their hearts and their pockets. SLUM will be the best. The Best.”
System Syndicate boss, Sun Chaz, said he was surprised to learn the system had a university in St. Louis. “Beats me how we overlooked it all these years. I’m a little new around here but everyone who works here was as dumbfounded as me. I mean, really, there are universities beyond Columbia? Might as well believe in extraterrestrials. How can they possibly exist without a Tiger as a mascot? What are they going to do for one, hire some salamander?”
SLUM’s current mascot is Blouie. It is unclear at the moment if that will be changing with this decision. Athletics of course wants to keep it so they don’t have to buy another mascot outfit. Those are apparently expensive.
We asked how students might react to the secession from the System Syndicate. One responded, “We were part of a system?”
Another student said, “They never did us any favors.”
Another student asked us what we thought. We kind of shrugged our shoulders. The way we see it at The Stagnant, we are in Missouri, the Show Me State. We will have to see what SLUM will do. Until then, it’s all speculation and no one likes that in their news.