Gerk Füller, News Editor

It is no secret that the St. Louis University of Missouri has too many eggs, but administration finally figured out a plan to get rid of some of them. Starting this morning, students can go to the MoM Café to buy hard-boiled eggs.

The idea was part of an egg-purging initiative that has been in place secretly at SLUM since the late 1970s. In 1974, SLUM purchased ten million eggs from a local farmer in an attempt to make the world’s biggest omelette. “To be honest with you, we were just kinda bored back then,” says a former SLUM employee who wishes to remain anonymous.

The omelette plan never came to fruition, and SLUM has been sitting on a stash of millions of eggs since then. The new MoM Café option, Egg Party, serves as an attempt to rid SLUM of all of these eggs. “I don’t even know why any student would want to buy decades-old hard-boiled eggs, but to be honest, I am just so tired of keeping all of these eggs in my closet,” stated a SLUM employee.

The eggs will be dispensed from a vending machine, and, rather than paying for them, students will get nine dollars of credit at the SLUM Book Store for every hard-boiled egg they eat. The eggs were boiled many years ago, so they will be room temperature upon dispense.

Last week, SLUM held a forum to discuss the new dining option, but the discussion had to be cut short after a disturbance. According to a SLUM staff member, hundreds of students slowly approached the stage, chanting “GIVE US THE EGGS” at the panel of SLUM board members. “I legitimately thought I was going to die,” said a member of the panel. “These eggs have caused me so much stress over the last eighteen years.”

As for the students, the overall egg consensus is incredibly positive. Visitors of SLUM have repeatedly noticed a general boost in morale around campus, thanks in part to the egg vending machine idea. “It’s just really nice to finally have an initiative we can all get behind,” stated Raz Castleman, a senior studying Ant Psychology at SLUM. “I’ve always loved eating old eggs, and it’s just hard to put in words how excited I am for the vending machine.”

Though excited to finally get rid of all these eggs, administration is confused as to why all the students seem to be so excited about eating them. “These eggs are old. Like, REALLY old. I don’t understand why seemingly every student wants to eat these old eggs, but I’m not going to question it,” said a SLUM official.

The name of the new old-egg-based dining option was decided by the public, and anyone could participate. The majority of votes came from the SLUM student body, deciding that the vending machine should be given the name “Egg Party.”

“I really like the name,” said Castleman. “I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say ‘GIVE US THE EGGS.’”