Kris Malibu, Artful Whining Editor
SLUM has neglected to listen to the voices of its population as they demand that the potholes that have been plaguing the campus be fixed. The faculty, staff, and student body held a meeting on April 1 to address the issue with the University’s chancellor, Thisis Fake and the head of the maintenance department, John Tito.
As the discussion of budget issues seemed to be the problem that has prevented the issue from being resolved, faculty member Michael Scotch offered up a perfect solution to the issue; fix the potholes with silly putty.
Silly putty seems to be the perfect solution to the pothole epidemic on SLUM’s campus. In his proposal Scotch stated, “Silly Putty is an inexpensive solution to the pothole problem and can be cheaply made. The Putty-Putters club on campus has volunteered to host a party where the campus population can join in and help make the silly putty at little cost.”
Scotch was not wrong in his statement, as kits can be purchased at Target for as little as $20. In addition to low cost there is also the fact that the university would pay no labor cost in filling in the potholes with the putty. Students have come together and proposed that if the university supplies the putty, they will fill in the holes themselves eliminating labor cost which would save SLUM thousands of dollars.
Basil Hayden, sophomore, underwater basket weaving, stated, “I am just longing for a solution to this problem. Silly Putty seems to be a perfect solution not to mention that there are numerous types of putty one can use: silly putty, farting putty, glitter putty, and rainbow putty, which would just give this campus something a little extra and fun to make the university special.”
There are many benefits to using silly putty to fix the potholes aside from its low cost. Putty is flexible and durable. Aside from that it can also adjust to the shape of the car tires that drive over it. This makes driving over the potholes less traumatic for drivers on campus and can put their minds at ease that their tires will finally be safe.
In addition to the benefits that it will bring to the cars on campus, putty would solve another issue that SLUM’s campus has, geese. Geese have been slowly taking over on SLUM’s campus and putty is a geese repellent. The geese have continued to become more aggressive and attack the students. Last week ten students went to the wellness center due to bite marks they obtained walking to class and one even got a black eye. The use of putty to fill in the potholes seems to be the solution that the university is in desperate need of and kills two birds with one stone.
Fake and Tito have neglected to give an answer as to whether or not this solution will be used. We can only hope that Fake and Tito will take the proposal seriously as the lives of car tires are at risk as well as the safety of the students. The people of SLUM have had enough of the pothole pandemic and there is finally been a solution offered that just might work.