Crabby Da Vinci

Ah, spring is coming, and you know what that means—fool’s spring, second winter, spring of deception, third winter, and MUD SEASON. Native St. Louisans will recall fond childhood memories of mud season, such as making mud angels, wallowing, and baking bricks the old-fashioned way. But how do you explain to someone new to the area the joys—and if you are not careful, the perils—of St. Louis’ dirtiest little secret? The Stagnant interviewed SLUM’s own Chancellor Thisis Fake to help prepare your friends and classmates.

Stagnant: Chancellor Thisis Fake, thank you for sitting down with us today.

Fake: Yes, I am Chancellor Fake, the chancellor of SLUM. I am not three sentient raccoons in a trench coat.

Stagnant: You yourself were once new to “the Lou.” What are your thoughts about mud season?

Fake: Yes. What most people do not know is that I was once an Eagle Scout in Pennsylvania, so I know a thing or two about mud. In Pennsylvania, we have eight seasons—that is almost as many as Missouri—and I have survival skills for all of them.

Stagnant: What would you say is the most important survival skill for mud season?

Fake: Well, that would be taking deep breaths. Controlled, well-timed breaths are key to maintaining consciousness when the mud seems about to consume you, body and spirit. You want to kick your legs like you are riding a bicycle and look upwards to the sky. If you cannot find the sky, use your nose (in the Eagle Scouts, we call that “your sniffer”) and sniff for burning radioactive garbage. That is how you know which way St. Louis is.

Stagnant: What type of gear should someone acquire before going out during mud season?

Fake: Easy. You want to get yourself a pair of Sloggers Garden Rainboots with Comfort Insoles. I recommend barn red with the little chickens on them. They run a little small so you want to size up. Boy, can those babies take a beating!

Stagnant: If you do not have rainboots, how should you protect yourself from the mud?

Fake: Actually, the important thing to remember is that mud is good for you. Mud is filled with like, a lot of tiny microbes. Trust me. And some of those microbes are good practice for your immune system.

In Thailand, elephants cover themselves in mud to stay cool. I did that, too, one time. My skin was glowing for weeks.

Stagnant: Is there ever a time you should be concerned about the mud?

Fake: The only thing you should be worried about is the worms. I hate worms. If you get them in your ears, THEY WILL NOT COME OUT. EVER. And they never smile. Cartoons are a lie.

Stagnant: Wow, this has been a very informative interview, chancellor. Thank you for your time!

Fake: No, thank you for letting me pick through your garbage this whole time. *dissolves into three feisty raccoons and scurries away*

Stagnant: Oh, no. Not those **** raccoons again! Curse you, mud season! I guess we’ll have to find a new chancellor now…