Andromeda Firestorm, Not Psychic but Very Keen

 

Aquarius: Optimistic, Team Player

1/21-2/19

Look, you’re pretty cool, and everyone likes working with you. Now would be a great time to ask your professors for recommendation letters or give a friend some advice. Maybe avoid team sports though, it’s not really the season to break your leg taking a hit for someone else. That seems like more of a summer thing.

 

Pisces: Romantic af today, you go get you that date

2/20-3/20

Listen, do you have a significant other,? Friend, or someone you’re just into? A one night stand from three weeks ago you’re considering calling because you’re lonely? Well then, better go get that date, but maybe watch out that you don’t move way too fast. Asking someone to get married is apparently a bad idea on the first date. Not that anyone told me. Maybe that should be on people’s dating profiles. Just saying.

 

Aries: Positive, Friendly, Adventurous

3/21-4/20

This is a great time for you to spend time with your friends, do things that you usually wouldn’t. Take some of that crazy Spring Break energy and go treasure hunting (I hear the geese are totally trained to protect the University’s secret stuff, check the nests, that’s all I’m saying.)

Also, finish all the things you’ve been putting off; alternatively, don’t finish them. It’ll probably work out right? Positivity, yay!

 

Taurus: Unabashed, Unrestricted

4/20-5/21

If shame exists, you’re certainly not finding it. But there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

You’re killing it and you should be proud. Now is a great time to do something that you might not have the guts for another time, like asking out that cute person you have your eye on or going head-to-head with that goose that’s attacking people outside the MSC. (Come on, take one for the team).

 

Gemini: In a good place. (Which is rather sucky for the rest of us, thanks guys)

5/22-6/21

Yeah, we KNOW. Your family loves you, your job is going great, everything is awesome. You don’t have to let us know all the time. I mean, definite congrats to you for everything going well, but have a heart and let the rest of us think that you’re as bad off as the rest of us. Maybe you’re the ones who should be taking a goose attack for the team. Although with your luck today it would probably just adopt you as its own…lucky son of a gun.

 

Cancer: Holding grudges like it’s your job

6/22-7/22

Listen fam, everything isn’t about you, so you need to calm down. You’re putting a lot of stock in your anger and your own opinions these days and if you keep on the way you are you’re going to be just like a mating season goose. Angry with no friends and unbelievably mean. You’re stressed, we all are. But nobody else is hissing and biting, just saying.

 

Leo: Composed, Relaxed, Sensible

7/23-8/23

Looks like everything is coming up roses for you too, but even if it isn’t, you can handle it. Let’s face it, you’re killing it, and you know it, and that lets you be chill af. Maybe try to push some of that chill onto your cancer friends, because those guys are crazy today…don’t tell them I said that.

 

Virgo: Very touchy lately, especially in regards to fights in your relationship

8/24-9/23

Everything doesn’t have to be personal. So your partner left the cap off the toothpaste, it doesn’t mean that they’re plotting your death. (Although if they are…that’s a whole other set of issues.) You’ve been super touchy and you need to reexamine that if you want to keep it all solid in your relationship. Get some sleep, drink some cocoa and chill out.

 

Libra: Chill out fam. Chill.

9/24-10/23

You are stressed af and you need to let some things go. Just be Rose dropping the giant diamond into the ocean in “Titanic.” Except the diamond is your term paper and the ocean is the trash can. You have too many things on your plate, cut one or you are legitimately going to lose it. Don’t let Spring Break fool you. You’re still too busy to take on another project.

 

Scorpio: Owning it.

10/24-11/22

You know what kind of person you are and you’re accepting yourself. We all have flaws, but it takes a special kind of person to accept them. So what if you’re a little bit mean? So what if you’re failing Spanish? So what if you’re a creepy goose hybrid that they keep locked in Stadler hall to do experiments on? Acceptance. That’s the key.

 

Sagittarius: Feeling seductive and pretty (definitely at least a 7)

11/23-12/21

You feel pretty and witty and bright. But don’t worry about who finds you attractive. Remember, there are better things than just that. But as long as you’re looking out for yourself and your health, you keep feeling yourself girl. Wear that killer war paint and look at yourself every chance you get. Just saying…you never know when a goose will maul you and disfigure your face. Every day is a gift.

 

Capricorn: In a battle with everyone. EVERYONE.

12/22-1/20

You know what, you don’t even get a horoscope, because one of you already made me mad. Yeah, how does THAT feel KAREN?