Gray Sheldgeese

Recently, campus security has become an issue at SLUM. To combat these issues, SLUM security has introduced their new security system Geese 2.0 Security to monitor campus space and the people who occupy it.

Geese 2.0 Security was introduced last Friday during a news conference that went over the features that will upgrade security. “Our new security system will help SLUM campus feel safe and secure with new features like facial recognition and laser beam defense mechanism,” said Sergeant Getem.

One goose was used for a demonstration at the news conference. The goose was modeled in front of onlookers and demonstrated its first feature: facial recognition. It was able to pick out students, faculty and staff from the crowd and identify them with a honking system that is relayed to campus police.

The communication system is supposed to resemble that of the Morse Code. Each honk is a term that only campus PD knows. Thus, keeping intruders from knowing what the goose is communicating. “We decided to go with this type of communication because we don’t want other people knowing our plans or information. No one knows goose language, but we think we have it down,” said Sergeant Getem.

This feature poses a flaw with the knowledge that campus PD has on the goose language. Not all officers are required to learn the communication system. This means that some officers understand what the goose is saying, but not all of them do.

The second feature is the most daunting. Geese 2.0 Security has the ability to defend itself and campus goers using a laser beam that shoots out of its eyes. Unfortunately, this feature is also being worked out as may in the news conference crowd are trying to grow back the hair that was burnt off as a result.

The laser beams should be able to keep intruders at bay with the idea alone. One student in the audience said, “At first I was a fan of the idea, but then my hair was burnt off when the goose malfunctioned! I don’t know if I want to be walking around campus with a goose that has the ability to shoot laser beams out of its eyes.”

Many people feel the same way about the security system. The idea was perfect in theory, but after Friday’s news conference they don’t have the same positive outlook on the system.

“What if I’m walking on campus and the goose has a glitch in the facial recognition? Won’t I be wrongly considered an intruder? I can’t have a goose chasing me down the Quad in between classes,” said a professor who wished to remain anonymous.

This security system will be introduced all over SLUM’s campus. The first place that the security system will be released is the Miscellaneous Student Center. SLUM students, faculty and staff should be warned that the geese will be allowed to roam through the building and into private office areas.

The new geese security system has campus goers feeling less safe than before it was introduced. With the news conference showing all of the potential glitches the geese have, people on SLUM’s campus should be aware.