Crabby Da Vinci

Have you or someone you know been jumping the “stairway closed” signs littered around campus during the winter months? If so, campus police have a message for you: taking the long way around will protect you from ice and needlessly complex riddles. Officer Grimm of Campus Police asked The Stagnant to warn students of the dangers of stairway trolls in a statement last week.

“Every year, we lose 12 or so students to stairway trolls, and the problem is only getting worse,” Officer Grimm sternly warned. “We want people to realize that we block off the stairways for your safety. Even if you think you are able-bodied and balanced enough to mount the stairs in any weather, you never know what three questions you will get. It’s like “Jeopardy” except instead of winning money, you pay money to go here.”

No one knows when the troll problem began, but SLUM biology professors estimate that the population has quadrupled since the construction of the Science and Research Building. The trolls, former SLUM students who became hopelessly lost in Benton-Stadler and have since resorted to cannibalism, primarily feed on geese in the warmer months. As this food source dwindles in the cold weather, trolls stake out high-traffic staircases to lure in careless students. An investigation conducted by The Stagnant reveals that most questions pertain to that one thing you skipped on your study guide, and SLUM’s English students generally fair better against the archaic wording of the riddles.

“We have yet to discover a solution to the problem, but we will soon meet with other area-schools to brainstorm troll-eradication procedures,” Officer Grimm said in response to growing concern from parents. “Until then, please trust campus police when we ask you not to climb the outdoor stairways. Even if all the snow and ice has melted several days ago, and the stairway looks totally safe, and it really seems like the barricades are there strictly for liability reasons.”

Why outdoor staircases? In an effort to adhere to tradition, the trolls used to prey on students crossing the MSC Bridge. However, due to their poor diet, many trolls experience difficulty with motor functions and require accessibility equipment. However, the Bridge’s handicap buttons never seemed to work.