By Snoops Doug, Breadwinner


Last week, St. Louis University of Missouri budgeteer Bill Jeffersons shocked university officials when he revealed that current Republican Missouri governor, Derek Brightens, made special provisions for the university following his death.

Jeffersons uncovered the development when following up with Brightens’ lawyer after he received an ominous phone call suggesting that the university can expect an extra $146 million—the same amount cut from Missouri’s annual budget this year—within the next 50 years. Brightens’ lawyer called the university to reluctantly confirm the suspicion, saying that Governor Brightens was hoping to keep the endowment a surprise, but acknowledging the spilt beans, wished to congratulate the university. Revealing that higher education has always been his passion, Brightens says he hopes SLUM and other universities will remain self-sufficient long enough to receive his generous gift.

“The governor wants SLUM students to know he is devoted to the education of their great grandchildren and the community, in 50 years, of course,” Brightens’ lawyer stated. “Of course, should the university accept this gift when the time comes, the governor will want his charity accepted gracefully. He proposes naming a department after himself, preferably one rooted in theoretical economics, and as far away from social work and ethics as possible.”

No explanation has been given as to why Brightens chose SLUM over the 66 other institutions in the state, nor if the sum will be tax-free. The only certainty is that, upon the reading of the will, SLUM will have a severe falling-out with Zoo, Missouri T&S, and MUCK, probably resulting in Zoo sneaking into Brightens’ house to snoop for valuables before the auctioneer arrives.