Falsa Fide, Feechurs Riter

SLUM is working on a new American SLUM Warrior course requirement for students to fill in order to graduate. This course will ask students who are completing their general education classes to participate in a demanding 16-week exercise regimen.

The American SLUM Warrior class will be offered starting fall 2019 if everything goes to plan. It was created to keep SLUM students in shape after feeding them only junk food from the Slosh, the university cafeteria.

According to the course creator Dan Manbun, “I wanted to create this course so that students would have the best exercise available to them. It’s upsetting to see that people many SLUM students can’t even complete the Cliffhanger.”

The Cliffhanger is one of the hardest obstacles in the American SLUM Warrior class. It consists of a wall covered with tiny ledges. Students will have to make it from one end to the next using just the tips of their fingers and any bicep strength they can muster. This course, among many others, is easily completed by Manbun, an extreme body builder and Pilates instructor.

Some students say that the creation of the course is biased because of Manbun’s background. According to a senior that is graduating this semester and will not be required to take the course, American SLUM Warrior is absurd.

“It’s crazy to think that this course was passed by the university board. Anyone can take one look at the course requirements and see that it’s heavily based on Manbun’s lifestyle,” said the senior.

The course’s requirements will be running the mile in three minutes, jumping nine feet off the ground, walking 200 ft over hot coals, and holding your breath underwater for 10 minutes. These requirements seemed to be perfectly normal for Manbun.

“These requirements should be easily accomplished by any SLUM student with the right training. If they can’t do these things, how do they expect to survive in the real world after graduation? It’s a course that prepares them for any future career, especially in the fitness world,” said Manbun.

He mentioned several jobs that this course would help students with, such as being a solo climber, a pro-snowboarder or even a base jumper. Many of the jobs that Manbun explained don’t pertain to the current SLUM student.

“When I graduate, or at least when I thought I would be able to graduate, I wanted to find a career as a software engineer. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do that now because this course seems so impossible,” said a freshman at SLUM.

Others who have to take this course are thinking of ways around it. “I know someone who can get me into a different university so that I can bypass this course. The only thing that worries me is that I heard Professor Manbun is trying to implement this class in surrounding schools,” said a junior.

This class seems to be the repercussion steps that SLUM is taking after offering the cheapest food possible. While some students bring their healthy lunches from home, every student is faced with the fact that this class may be happening come this fall.