Katnip Everclear, Herder of Cats


Amazon did not choose St. Louis as its second headquarters. The region was really sad until the St. Louis University of Missouri received a golden ticket in the mail.

The Chancellor said, “We were really confused. So we called the help number on the back of the ticket. They told us some really awesome news.”

The ticket was an offer from Amazon for a consolation prize. SLUM’s campus has a really big tower on its campus. Amazon loved the location of SLUM’s campus being in a metropolitan area, close to several highways, and that it is a university with lots of free labor–uh interns.

Amazon’s Chief Talent Seeker said, “SLUM’s tower is in a (Amazon) prime location with the tower being the most attractive quality. We are building a fleet of drones to deliver packages to people in the area. We can launch them from the roof!”

The highway system and airport proximity will be perfect for transportation of packages to get to the tower. Students from SLUM can also be utilized to change out batteries in the drones, switch out drones, and run papers around the tower to different departments.

Larry Gogetter, sophomore, chain making, said, “I don’t care if I’m just delivering coffee to the tower, I just want to put on my resume I work for Amazon. Totes.”

Amazon made clear that they don’t want the whole SLUM campus, just the tower. But that didn’t matter to SLUM. The Chancellor thinks that they will want the whole campus if this first part is a success. It might also mean that SLUM will build more towers in the future to then sell to Amazon or its drone competitors.

The Chancellor would not disclose how much money they would be getting from Amazon. He only smiled and said, “lots.” He continued to boast, “It’s no second headquarters, but we will take it!”

One of the most impacted groups on SLUM’s campus would be those pesky geese flying everywhere. We tried to get a quote from one of them, but they hissed and flapped their wings at us. I guess they are really emotional about the news that they can’t talk.

Chancellor G. Eorge said, “We think we may have a solution to the potential goose in the works. We have researchers working on implants to control the geese, which we hope can be used in the future to transport small packages.”

Amazon wants to get moving on testing the tower as a launching site ASAP so expect to be hearing buzzing this spring and know it is not bees you are hearing on campus.