Gerk Füller, Fake Nues Editor

The St. Louis University of Missouri campus is infested with geese. Often in groups, they roam around, walking and squawking. While no one really thinks anything of it, it turns out that all of the geese are gossiping about you all the time.

Caz Rastleman, a freshman studying Goose Psychology, recently wrote a research paper on the social tendencies of the geese on campus. Her findings have been kept under wraps for months to keep the student body safe, but she finally decided to make them public. Her main assertion is that all the geese talk about you, specifically, behind your back whenever you’re not around.

“These geese had been harboring gross amounts of animosity since they came to campus, and they just couldn’t take it anymore. They are fed up with you, specifically,” Rastleman confessed. “While it may come as a shock that the geese hate you, let’s be honest: you kinda deserve it.”

Rastleman was able to figure out what the geese were gossiping about through a very sophisticated translation algorithm that takes key-words from the Swedish language and correlates them to goose noises. Steve Harvey, daytime TV host and inventor of the algorithm, declined to comment. But if he WERE to comment, he’d probably say something along the lines of “Yeah, the goose language is based off of the Swedish language. I am Steve Harvey.”

SLUM’s Police Chief was asked if there was any safety protocol in case Rastleman’s research had alarming findings. The Police Chief said, “Geese are pretty mean to begin with. I don’t put it past them to attack or poop more in a high traffic area. But we can alert the campus to any attacks via emails and texts.”

It is unclear as to whether or not the geese will take their disdain for you any further than harmless gossip, but if I were you, I would sleep with one eye open.