By Dinga Ling, Staff Biter

Every weeaboo at the Saint Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) knows about the popular Japanese fictional franchise, “Love Live! School Idol Festival” (LLSIF), in which young Japanese girls perform together to become the top idol performance group in the country. However, there has been no proper open platform for campus nerds to express their love for their favorite 2D ladies as electronic sports, or ‘e-sports,’ has never been officially acknowledged by the athletics department—until now. The back half of the spring 2016 semester will see the emergence of SLUM’s first LLSIF tournament, to be played in the main gymnasium of the Mark Twain Athletic Center, as if it is real sports.

The game itself is a rhythm-based game, much like “Dance Dance Revolution” or “Just Dance,” except that the action is in the hands, not the feet, and instead of pressing arrows, players press on the faces of cute schoolgirls in a way that is totally not sexualized or creepy. Players listen to cute, digitally rendered songs such as “Snow Halation” and “Kokuhaku Biyori, Desu!” while collecting cards of other girls that they can sacrifice to level up their main idols in a circular cannibalistic ritual masqueraded in pink and glitter.

Playing LLSIF is simple: all an interested player needs is a smartphone that connects to the Internet and the official English language LLSIF app downloaded to said phone. They must also be able to elbow their way through the diehard LLSIF fans who have already started camping out outside the center, weeks ahead of the proposed starting date of April 30 for the first round of competition. There is no physical required to join an LLSIF team, but students should submit documented proof that their thumbs are fully operational and will be able to handle the stress of playing a smartphone game that overworks the thumb joints.

“I honestly have no idea what the hell this is,” admitted Lorem Ipsum, director of athletics at SLUM. “One of the guys just handed me the paperwork and said this is going to be a thing now. Do the girls even fight each other? Jesus, are we seriously cancelling weekend baseball practice for this?”

As a matter of fact, yes, SLUM is shelving all weekend baseball practice for the rest of the semester to dedicate those time slots to the newly formed LLSIF League. Despite the loud, sometimes violent protests of the SLUM baseball players, the LLSIF team continues with its plans to dominate the North American e-sports scene, one Pepto-Bismol colored anime game at a time. Their first meeting, a coordinated practice speed run through a dozen three-star songs to collect rare idol cards, took place on April 2. The gymnasium was dominated by the presence of Nendoroid figurines, body pillows, boxes of Red Bull, and a smell like sour milk mixed with sweet melon soda.

During the first meeting, league captain Melvin Blart, junior, sports drink medicine, impressed by scoring a perfect run on “Cutie Panther.” He celebrated his victory by shotgunning a Ramuné and kissing his body pillow of blue-haired schoolgirl Nozomi Toujou. Unfortunately, this enraged his teammate Mack O’Mule, sophomore, dad jokes, who has declared himself “Team Eli” for the supposed ‘best girl’ in LLSIF, judging by his body pillow and t-shirt plastered in pictures of Eli Ayase, another fictional girl who is way too young for either man involved in this dispute.

Despite disputes over who is the best girl in the LLSIF ‘verse, the two men were able to agree to disagree and have settled their dispute in the interests of the team. They will be working together so they can beat rival school Washed Up University on April 30. Those who wish to cheer on the Triton Love Lifers (the current working name for the team) should arrive at the gymnasium half an hour early for pre-game smack talk and bootleg anime merchandise.

The Stagnant would like to let it be known that their official stance is that Nico Yazawa is the best girl of all the LLSIF girls, and that all other opinions are just wrong.

Nico Yazawa, the best of the LLSIF girls
Nico Yazawa, the best of the LLSIF girls