*Opinions*

Weekly Chuckle Satire Column

By Abby N. Virio

Opinions Editor

 

Last week, 47 Republican US senators gave new meaning to the term ‘law-making body’ when they decided to undergo an experimental procedure to have their bodies surgically conjoined. The surgery was a product of recent efforts by Republican senators to become one, massive ‘super-president’ capable of supplanting current Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama. Lucky for readers, The Current obtained exclusive interviews with the Dr. P.G. Organslice and Dr. Frank N. Stein.

“When the senators came to me last week with this idea, I was at first stunned,” said Organslice. “We had performed the procedure on a cynical cat and dopey dog about fifteen years ago quite successfully, although none of us ever figured out where the excrement went…”

“But we jumped at the chance,” Stein cut in. “The senators explained to us that they realized they would never be president on their own, with the host of conservative racists who usually vote for them quickly dying out due to old age and a fear of vaccines. They realized that to complete their diabolical plot to make the United States appear weak and divided on the world stage, they would need to literally combine heads.”

“After forty grueling hours of reattaching the same dandy hairstyles they have had since 1955 and whitening their piercing smiles, we finally stabilized the creature,” added Organslice.

With the monster standing on its own many, centipede-like feet, it was able to pen an obtrusive and unpatriotic letter to the governing body of Iran in order to sabotage nuclear nonproliferation agreements between the president and said country. Despite only forty-seven senators of the one-hundred senators in the US signing the letter, the monster assured Iran that any efforts to create an agreement with President Obama would be thwarted— possibly by a Godzilla-like rampage down Pennsylvania Avenue.The disruption of nuclear nonproliferation, which is the process of dismantling and/or limiting nuclear weapons in order to secure peace, is the first step in a long chain of plots to bring back the Cold War.

In related news, a woman in Arizona recently filed charges after being sent nude selfies of a creature with forty-seven genitals.

 

 

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