Pro: Date All Your Professors, Why Not?

By Saucy Longfellow, Staff Biter

You might become indignant upon hearing that I endorse students dating university professors. Suck it up! College is an experience crafted to challenge one’s thinking, and what better way to do so than to encourage fraternizing with the same person who is teaching you critical analysis?

Some might argue that dating professors means putting someone in an unfair position, as professors will have more power over their students in the relationship. But let us be practical: in the eyes of the administration, students and professors are equally expendable. If anything, competing with your significant other for grant money will put some spice in your courtship.

Dating a professor does not mean a student will be able to slide through class just because they are boffing the person in charge of grading. If you are smart, you do not date a professor you are taking a class with; you date a professor whose colleague is your current instructor, and use them to steal test sheets and copy lecture notes. You can even apply this to the workplace, by dating not your boss but your boss’s immediate colleague, thus getting the scoop on all your boss’s mistakes, which you can then take advantage of.

So next time someone says not to date your professor, tell them where they can stick it, then leave an oversized love letter in the faculty box of your favorite big man (or woman) on campus. Think with your head, SLUM, and make the illicit older booty work for you!


Con: Love Behind The Lectern Must Be Stopped!

By Prudence Longskirt, Staff Biter

While I do not necessarily condemn someone from wanting “illicit older booty,” I have yearned for (read: stalked) one of my teachers before, and it was definitely not kosher. In fact, if you are the kind of hopeless romantic that believes in leaving oversized love letters, you will probably learn absolutely nothing in that class and instead be reduced to a blushing and blubbering idiot. How on earth could you be expected to pay attention to calculus when there is a delicious older man or woman giving a lesson in hotness right in front of you!

My unfortunate colleague is correct to point out that a student will not get an advantage over the students who are not the professor’s strange bedfellows, but she is correct for an entirely different reason. A student doing the dirty with a professor is actually at a disadvantage, because obviously the professor should want an A+ lover and not a C- side hoe. It will not be long before the professor’s thoughts on your poor bedroom technique sneak into the comments on your papers.

Besides, if you really want to make a power play, you can do so much better than bagging the professor. If professors are really as expendable as my colleague claims, would it not be much smarter to swap bodily fluids with someone in the administration? You would never have to beg for a more favorable schedule or more financial aid; just parade around in lingerie for the provost and it will all be yours! With good enough googly eyes, you could eventually force them to put a ring on it and snag yourself a piece of that obscene amount of money they get paid every year.