Brian Sherrill, Opinions Editor

Rules to follow if you wish to survive college and/or the University of Missouri-St. Louis. Follow these and I personally guarantee you success, happiness, lots of awesome stuff. Ready? Off we go.

  1. Do NOT confront the geese! They rule over us all. It is really their campus, we are just visiting it.
  2. Do NOT stare at the geese. If you glare into their eyes, they will see the fear within your little innocent freshman heart and they WILL hiss with the evil of a dozen snakes from Medusa’s head. Also, it is best not to ebb away from them while walking past. Keep looking forward and walk straight ahead, they will get out of your way. If you need a visual demonstration, I highly recommend the “Bob’s Burgers” episode “Dawn of the Peck.” Be the alpha turkey! Own that pecking order.
  3. Do NOT procrastinate, like I did on this article. Ahhh procrastination, the forbidden fruit of all college students. Entertain this if you will: you are having a grand ole jolly time, learning about things and stuff, your favorite things and stuff about life and so on. Oh no, there is a fifteen page research paper at the end of one of your classes. Man that is really gonna cramp all that new college student style now isn’t it. “No problem,” you tell yourself, “I’ll do a little bit ever weekend, ya know, chip away at it.” Wrong! One weekend full of late nighters and Sunday night homework freak-outs. Then another. And another until BAM, a devil goose attacks you and breaks your leg and now you are on crutches, during snow season, and finals week is right around the corner, and you are incredibly unprepared for this final paper. I ask you, have you ever juggled finals, work, snow, and crutches? Well, have you!? Me neither, but I bet it is TERRIBLE. Do yourself a favor, write a sentence every day, it will save you a lot of stress.
  4. Do not skip steps!
  5. Use thriftbooks.com. It will save you boat-loads of money.
  6. Be frugal with you loan barrowing. Eventually you will have to pay an arm and leg in interest alone for those loans. Also, learn the difference between subsidized versus unsubsidized loans.
  7. Do not know your life purpose yet? Wait, really? You should be freaking out right now!? What the heck are doing wasting time reading this article? Get out of here! What you doing man? Ha! Just joking. Join the club. It’s okay not to know what you want to major in/become after college. Although, keep in mind that it is possible to find. “How to know your life purpose in 5 minutes” by Adam Leipzig is a great TedTalk. Check that stuff out.
  8. Write everything down with an actual pen and paper you stinkin’ millennials. Write to-do list, short term goals, long term goals, realistic goals and act on them, schedules, thoughts, opinions, observations, and especially notes. When you write things in your handwriting, you are more likely to remember it.
  9. Say more with less and be nice to people. Be like our design layout guy, Giuseppe. Cool dude, that Giuseppe guy is. The bee’s knees. Ever seen “Drive” starring Ryan Gosling? This dude Giuseppe, I swear, real life version of Gosling’s character. Watch yourself my friend. I might just buy you that jacket for the Christmas party.
  10. Almost done! If you are still reading this—congrats. You deserve a short one! Thank goodness too, because I’m getting hungry and running out of advice.
  11. Break the Rules! Just do not get caught. No, but seriously, word on the street is plagiarism is pretty cool. Ha! I only kid. *wink *wink. Ahhhhh, no but really, Don’t do that, you’ll not only be cheating your own self development, but it’s kind of a guarantee that you’ll get caught here in college. In high school that might’ve worked, but here it will not.
  12. Remember to relax—Now!
  13. Oh sure, and political stuff. This actually is important because voting does matter, clearly now more than ever. So, inform yourself freshie. Facebook is not informing you, it is reinforcing your beliefs. Be objective. For starters, write down the three strong opinions that you have. Then spend the rest of your college career searching for research that argues against that. You will either realize that you are right, and now able to understand to a better degree to why. Or, you will realize that you were wrong, and that’s an even better realization. Somebody said once upon a time, “when we can’t change our mind, when we know everything important (in our own estimation at least), incapable of changing our own minds, then in a sense we’re intellectually dead.” Hm, sound a lot like our binary political party system now does not it. Weird. Maybe cutting back on education funding is not a good idea—cough, cough Governor Greitens.
  14. Finally! You made it to the end. We are here. The big shebang, the final hurrah, the grand finale, the – dare I say – money shot (do not google that, if you do not know). So, freshmen, you may be nervous, you may be worried. Do not be. You made it into college. A lot of people in the world do not get this opportunity. Do not waste it. Make the world a better place. Be confident in yourself. The anxious feeling is good. It means you are out of your comfort zone and that is always a good thing. Jump into new things. Join clubs. Go to the gym and try out yoga for the first time. Be more like Giuseppe. Wear funny socks. Be weird and proud of it. Ramble on! Enjoy your classes and your professors. This university has some incredible ones. Oh, and keep reading The Current.