By Catnip Everclear, Redditor-in-Chief

On March 21, student protests erupted at Emory University, a private institution in Georgia, after someone wrote in chalk the words, “Trump 2016.” One student, oft quoted this past week, decried, “I’m supposed to feel comfortable and safe here, but this man is being supported by students on our campus and our administration shows that they, by their silence, support it as well . . . I don’t deserve to feel afraid at my school.”

The student leader of the protests was quoted in national media as crying out, “You are not listening! Come speak to us, we are in pain!”

The administration of Emory immediately provided counseling to those students traumatized by the actions of the thoughtless wielder of the piece of chalk. They also promised to review campus security cameras to try to catch the perpetrator since all chalk writing at Emory has to be pre-approved.

Police at first tried dusting for fingerprints, but when they blew on the chalk the evidence blew away as well. Police took one individual into custody who tested positive for chalky fingers, but was later released when he turned out to be the captain of the Emory billiards team. Authorities have also enlisted the services of a handwriting expert and chalk sniffing dog.

SLUM student activists promised to stand in solidarity with the traumatized students of Emory and immediately set up a “chalk-free” safety zone. Others have called for banning chalk on campus altogether. That created some backlash from some Republican members of the Missouri General Assembly including State Senator Clemet Change D. Nyer, R-Columbia, who said, “If you make owning chalk a crime, then only the criminals will have chalk.” Senator Nyer has also introduced legislation to protect the right of any student to “open carry” chalk as well as all other writing implements, including calligraphy supplies.

Supporting the pro-chalk faction on campus was an odd assortment of art students, English teachers, Libertarians (who were also circulating petitions to legalize medical chalk), and some children playing hopscotch without a permit. The anti-chalk activists included a rainbow coalition of liberal groups, SLUM Students for Bernie Sanders, the anti-Trump women’s group Why Are We So Much Smarter Than Men, and SLUM building maintenance employees who fear a chalking explosion not seen since the summer of 1968.

The Stagnant believes that all students have a right to feel “comfortable and safe” on campus. The best way to make students more comfortable at SLUM is to invest in some better furnishings. Most of the chairs in classrooms were made in North Korea as torture devices. The best way to make students safer is to ban all cars on campus. Seriously, did you see how close that guy came to running me down in the middle of a cross-walk?

The Stagnant also believes that all students also have a right to write. Some will write smart things, like those of us who write for The Stagnant (until someone buys our screenplay), and some will write dumb things. If you see something written on the sidewalk that you do not like, you can always add your own footnote, or just chalk it up to one more person to add to your enemies list and repeat their names over and over like Arya Stark in Game of Thrones. Or just pray for rain.

A message to Emory
A message to Emory