By Joseph Salamon, News Editor

This is strictly a Satirical article and does in no way reflect the The Current’s views on gun control.

The recent massacre at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School has been the primary national news focus for a whole two weeks now. The thoughts and prayers do not seem to be having the supreme power that they have held in the past. A group of teenagers are forcing the nation to do more than simply offer up condolences, but since we’ve never gotten this far in the debate, many of us aren’t really sure where to take it.

Before I offer up my opinion*, I would like to mention that I have never been in the line of fire. I have never once found myself staring down the barrel of a semi-automatic weapon, and I cannot relate to that experience in any conceivable way. With that being said, I think it is high time we arm our teachers. It is atrocious that we have such a problem with mass shootings in our country. It is a stain on our otherwise flawless history with the second amendment, and it needs to stop.

While these great, well-paid teachers inspire our youth and do so much for our community, they need to do just a little bit more. The responsibility to suppress any threat of violence in a school needs to fall on the third period history teacher in the middle of her lesson plan. Sorry, it just does. There is no other logical solution to this problem. It also would not hurt to send our children to school with bulletproof backpacks. I have thought about this extensively, and I genuinely think that turning our nation’s public schools into latent warzones is a good idea. I would like to reiterate that I’ve never been in the line of fire. I have never once found myself staring down the barrel of a semi-automatic weapon, and I cannot relate to that experience in any conceivable way.

I would also like to say that I’ve never lost a family member or a loved one to gun violence. I don’t personally know what it’s like to lose so much so quickly, and I can’t even imagine that feeling. Still, it’s not a gun problem, it’s a mental health problem. If we placed a ban on guns, these deranged killers will find other ways to cause terror in our schools. I sincerely think that if a mentally ill person came into a school with a weapon that’s sole purpose is not to kill as many humans as possible as efficiently as possible, there would be just as many victims. This is a real thought that I have, that takes up space in my brain.

Listen, cars kill people, too. Doesn’t that mean we place a ban on cars, a thing that has little to no distinction between an AR-15? What about swimming pools? People have drowned in swimming pools. How about we get rid of all these big, harmful bowls of water? If I went down the list of all things that have ever killed someone, we’d have nothing left. Is that what you want? As you can so clearly see, banning semi-automatic weapons will do nothing to help fix the problem. Again, I cannot stress enough that I have never lost a family member or a loved one to gun violence. I do not personally know what it is like to lose so much so quickly, and I can’t even imagine that feeling.

*This article is sarcastic in nature and not meant to be taken literally. I don’t actually believe any of these things. Not even a little bit.

This is strictly a Satirical article and does in no way reflect the The Current’s views on gun control.