By Catnip Everclear, Redditor-in-Chief

The St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) has absolutely terrible parking. No news in that sentence. But there is news for parking. Starting next semester or summer maybe, there will be valet parking available for classes held between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m.

Valet stands will be set up in a designated parking lot to offer students a service desperately needed on a commuter campus. No more will students be forced to find parking when running late for class, no more will students hit other students’ cars, no more will students park terribly and take up two spots. Seriously, learn to park. That reminds me, now students can learn to park with Valet 101.

Valet parking will be run entirely by students with a supervisor who checks in on them via skype because SLUM cannot afford to pay for another employee during the hiring freeze. Administration and students hope to make this a lucrative business at the expense of other students with cars. The supply is short so demand has to go up.

Each student driver will be charged a fee each time they use the service. A portion of the fee will go towards parking and transportation, maintenance of the roads, and student workers. After you drop off your car, pick up a red and yellow ticket from the student worker so you can stop by the service to pick your car back up after class. If your class lets out after valet hours, pick up the car in the valet parking lot.

Nora Problems, head of the new valet system said, “There will be a simple fee that students can pay via credit card, cash, or student account. There will of course be a discount for charging to the student account since no one checks that amount on YourView. We, uh students, will be rich!”

Chester Field, super-senior, pre-law, said, “This is an incredible bargain. A service that has been missing for a long time. Now I can bring my Lamborghini to school and not feel that its value will be diminished.”

One student is skeptical of the valet system. Debbie Downer, newb, realist, said, “I’m a server on the weekends. I totally know that people don’t even tip waiters 20 percent, why would this be any different? Students aren’t going to be making that much. Especially with greedy SLUM keeping a percentage of the fee.”

Problems said, “There will be those averse to change. But change still happens. Except when you’re talking about giving change at the valet stand. There will be no change. We can’t have students walking around with that much money on campus. That would attract crime.”

Only time will tell if Downer is correct. Till then, SLUM will close down another parking lot to dedicate it to this service. So good luck parking anywhere close to campus. The valet charge will be on top of the parking sticker fee included in tuition, so get a car and get your money’s worth.