By Miss Ingno, Staff Biter

The Stagnant reported last year that the local geese of St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) have been forced into the status of fee-paying students along with every other degree-seeking chump in a 30-mile radius. Now it looks like the geese of SLUM have new competition for ruling the campus roost as the top bird behind the desk: turkeys. Wild turkeys from nearby wooded areas have arrived, intent on enrolling in the upcoming semesters with all the other SLU dropouts and community college alumni.

Turkeys, for those who have never seen a Thanksgiving special on television, are native to the St. Louis region. They can grow up to 10 feet tall and their talons are sharp enough to kill three grown men before taking a pedicure break. They are also very involved in local politics, and have registered an official complaint with the nearby ACLU chapter concerning their enrollment possibilities with SLUM.

“Despite common misbeliefs, turkeys are very proud, intelligent birds!” declared St. Louis turkey spokesbird Harry Jive in a recent press conference. “We want the chance to be wracked with student debt and indecision about our academic future like any other common goose, as is our right as taxpaying citizens of Missouri!” He then presented to the press several boxes of tax forms, which smelled faintly of gizzards, but ruffled his feathers at the first reporter who dared come close enough to try and read any of the papers.

In response, the SLUM geese union has held their own rival press conference, literally in the same room as the turkeys but with slightly larger microphones and podium, and an oversized banner hanging overhead reading “Get with the goose! Turkeys are for dinner!” in all caps.

“Turkeys? In SLUM? Why not just let every bird who doesn’t sleep in trees enroll here?” said union president Mark Rindwin in a series of hypothetical questions. “Do you really want to see these dummies gobbling up Slusho food in the cafeteria with the normals? Is this microphone even on?”

Thanks to the incendiary comments from the geese union, SLUM has quickly become a battleground between turkeys and geese, both groups oddly enough fighting to stay on campus, instead of making the logical move to leave for a school that actually has money and renovated facilities. Last Tuesday, a scuffle between two geese and a prospective turkey student broke out in front of the Honors College, which ended when the campus shuttle collided with the angry amalgamation of wings and textbooks. One goose, SLUM student Bill Branta, freshman, airplane engineering, was taken to the hospital with a fractured beak, while the turkey was arrested for inciting violence and attacking a police officer.

Three days after the incident, The Stagnant found Harry Jive in the first floor of the Millennial Student Center, nursing a large soda and looking as if he had been picked to be on the chancellor’s dinner table come November. “This,” he moaned, “is a horrible black eye for the turkey student movement. Chancellor Pickles isn’t taking my calls, his secretary threw a chair at me, and even his little raccoon friend won’t let me eat with him on the lawn by Woods Hall. What a world, what a world…”

The ACLU will be holding an open meeting in the Quad in an attempt to bridge the gap between geese, turkeys, and the human bodies who are continually caught in the crossfire. On April 12 at 1 p.m., all SLUM students, faculty, staff, alumni, panhandlers, prospective tuition slaves, and random pedestrians from Natural Bridge will be invited to voice their opinion on whether or not turkeys should be allowed to enroll in SLUM as the geese have since 2015. Any concerns or questions about the open meeting can be written on a rolled-up piece of paper and thrown into Boggy Lake, to be read at an undetermined time in the future by unconcerned parties.

A horde of prospective turkeys stalk Freshman Brant Cana in the Financial Aid Office ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT
A horde of prospective turkeys stalk Freshman Brant Cana in the Financial Aid Office
ABRAHAM DRINKIN’ (Eric Wynen)/THE STAGNANT