By Sarah Thustra, Staff Biter

In 2013, the Saint Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) celebrated its 50th anniversary in its usual way, with cow tipping, goose wrangling, the pantsing of Chief Sorrynotsorry and the consequential pants run across Natural Bridge, and free dessert on the library patio. This year, it is The Stagnant’s turn to celebrate its 50th year of bringing dishonest, mudslinging yellow journalism to students all over campus, whether they want to read it or not.

This week, The Stagnant will be publishing its infinite numbered issue, as the newspaper does not recognize standardized physics and exists solely in a wibbley-wobbley timey-Wimpey dimension, depending on who is editor-in-chief at time of publication. This year, the EIC is our most beloved and trustworthy Redditor In Chief, Catnip Everclear, who according to local star charts has been serving as head editor for the past four years and has two years left to go in her position before the next editor is plucked from the howling abyss behind Lucas Hall and officially crowned as a replacement.

“I hope it is a lesbian,” said The Artist Formerly Known As Rando, The Stagnant’s token lesbian copy editor. “I could really appreciate a talented lesbian in charge of the paper, someone with a really great body of work.” She added a long pause between “body” and “of work,” a pause so long it became awkward for everyone in the dining hall we were interviewing her in, including the salt shakers and the dead Japanese beetles on the windowsill.

The Stagnant will be formally celebrating its 50th year as fish wrapping with a huge party in the Century Rooms on April 7, scheduling it on a Wednesday so as to be the most inconvenient for attendees. There will be food catered by the campus cafeteria when the doors open at 5 p.m., with actual edible food to be made available at 6 p.m. or whenever the hired caterers leave the building. There will also be a cash bar, because The Stagnant is not your mother and is not in the business of shepherding staggering drunks to the campus shuttle. Sorrynotsorry is expecting to be the key guest speaker at the event. In response, sports editor Quill Twiddler and opinions editor Simon Wei are expected to pants him in front of everyone and then take a selfie with him in his goose-covered undershorts.

“It’s gonna be a great time,” said A&E editor Theodosia Burr’s Sex Dungeon. “There is going to be lots of drinking and dancing and pantsing, and I am going to challenge everyone to duels behind Pro Hoe which I don’t expect to actually show up to! Suck on that, nerds!” She then abandoned her interview to chase a gray-haired English major reading “Bartleby” through the library.

During the event, there will be a fifteen-minute video showcasing the highlights of The Stagnant’s past 50 years in print, put together by news editor Bea A. Fraid and photo editor Abraham Drinkin, and unofficially assisted by Nintendo. Some events covered by The Stagnant include the kissing rampage of Georgie Porgie, who is still being hunted by the SLUM police, the discovery of ghosts in the Pro Hoe building, and the abundance of geese being jerks.

Features editor Lucie Darnay only had good things to say about her time at The Stagnant. She started out as a copy editor and worked her way up to editor earlier this year.

“It sucks,” Darnay said over the phone, bland pop music in the background. “I haven’t been paid in two months, my writers keep bailing on me to join the Peace Corps, and I’m not even allowed to sleep on the couch in the office. But I need the experience on my resume, so here I am!”

Tickets for The Stagnant’s 50th party will be on sale as long as Darnay is sitting at the table in front of the radio station like we forced her to, and costs 10 dollars per person, with a two dollar surcharge for alumni. Those who show their SLUM ID at the table will receive a surly look and an empty plea for freedom. Please do not answer the empty plea for freedom, and under no circumstance should you give an article of clothing to the editor.

The Stagnant's official AARP Card LUCIE DARNAY/THE STAGNANT
The Stagnant’s official AARP Card