By Lucie Darnay, Features Editor

Officer Adrian Ivashkoff of the St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) Police Department spent the night of April 1 in the basement of South Campus’ infamous Pro Hoe building. Officer Ivashkoff was searching for four Daughters of Charity who died in a freak ceiling fan accident in 1962. The ghosts of the three novices, Mary Elizabeth, Mary Lozario, and Mary Margaret, and their Visitatrix Mary Maria have been haunting the hallways of the old Marillac Seminary since their deaths.

While usually the sisters are peaceful, SLUM issued a statement on March 31 that has angered them. SLUM administration, in an attempt to lessen the budget deficit, has announced plans to seek reparations from the sisters including tuition, meal plans, and room and board for the 40 years that they have been living on SLUM’s campus, since the Marillac Seminary was acquired by SLUM in 1976.

The sisters have shown their displeasure by locking students inside classrooms and professors in their offices. They have also taken to flickering the lights and banging on metal pipes at all hours. One resident of Villa, Natalie Rostova, sophomore, undecided, said, “I have so much respect for nuns but, honestly, my boyfriend won’t even come over anymore. It’s getting really annoying.”

The Stagnant has received several reports of non-consensual possession. Although the reports have yet to be confirmed, they have been passed to SLUM PD.

While SLUM PD has declined any official comment, Officer Ivashkoff told The Stagnant, “I’ve been working at SLUM for 15 years and the sisters have always been just the nicest ladies you could ever come across. I’ve never been one to hold a person’s corporeality against them, but when you start using that ghost-y-ness against innocent students, something has to change.”

SLUM Vice Provost Augusta Gregory provided The Stagnant with the numbers being used in the suit against the sisters. Gregory explained by saying, “For room and board we’re charging each sister for a normal room in Villa. Since every student who lives on campus needs a meal plan we’re charging each sister for a totally declining balance plan.” Tuition is calculated on the assumptions that the sisters have never become graduates, never went into optometry, were always full time, and never took a semester off.

One room in Villa times 40 years comes to $186,400, one meal plan for 40 years is $136,000, and tuition for 40 years is $341,280. Added together and multiplied by the four sisters comes to a total of $2,165,120. Gregory has also expressed interest in tacking on late fees and a “non-corporeal tax” for “all the trouble it’s cost SLUM to take care of ghosts and bend to their otherworldly whims.”

While legal battles against non-corporeal entities are not unprecedented, the law is clear: all entities involved in the suit, corporeal or otherwise, must be present at the courthouse during litigation. Gregory said that while it may be difficult to round up all four ghosts, she “has every confidence in the SLUM PD.”

At the time of publication, Officer Ivashkoff has not reported any official contact with the ghosts.

Provincial House on lock-down April 1 ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT
Provincial House on lock-down April 1