By Catnip Everclear, Redditor-in-Chief

The St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) may not have to worry about its $15 million deficit for much longer. The McDonald’s Corporation met with SLUM’s Chief Terry Sorrynotsorry last week to finalize the franchise’s purchase of the university.

With this latest acquisition by the McDonald’s Corporation, SLUM would finally be out from under the thumb of those members of the Missouri General Assembly who believe they are in charge of all aspects of education through the budget process. The university would finally be able to make some real money from merchandising with McDonald’s.

McDonald’s spokesman Ronald NotMcDonald said, “This just makes sense. SLUM’s school colors would still be yellow and red, the same color scheme as us. SLUM also advertises its self as real value, and we think that a value education is right in line with our value menu. That will be the same. People will just instantly think of McDonald’s and SLUM from now on.”

SLUM merchandise will be available at every McDonald’s. Each item sold will help finance the school, keeping school spirit up and money rolling in to take care of that pesky deficit. Be prepared to see SLUM icons as toys in Happy Meals for a limited time on February 29, 2017 starting with a poseable action figure of a dancing French fry, SLUM’s mascot. And do not be afraid to buy that kids’ meal with no child accompanying you. You can do it. Get a toy for yourself— you deserve that SLUM spirit toy.

Chief Sorrynotsorry said, “With this merger, we can bring students the value menu deal they have always wanted in an education. With our special two for five promotion, students can get two degrees for the price of one. Our student enrollment will go through the roof. We also hope to finally end the parking congestion problem by adding drive-thru windows to most of the buildings on campus for those students on the go.”

NotMcDonald said that they hope to bring more value to the campus and degree programs. NotMcDonald said, “No longer will students feel that they cannot get a job after graduation. Each student will be eligible for work study with the company. In fact, a degree in burger flipping can help students climb through our ranks faster. We also offer a great retirement plan. They can continue working for us right through their retirement.”

So naturally, it is not just McDonald’s that will profit from this union. McDonald’s will now have a ready workforce with SLUM’s new mandatory internship program that will require each student to work for credit rather than the minimum wage McDonald’s would have to pay to another employee from a rival school. NotMcDonald added, “It is also good insurance against all this crazy talk of raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour. What do they think we are made of… golden arches? It just makes sense.”

Chief Sorrynotsorry said, “I want what is best for all my students. So, a school that makes tons of money with McDonald’s is great. We can get out of a hiring freeze, maintain the roads, and so much more. It will be a whole new SLUM.”

The newly renovated facade of the inaptly named McTwain Athletic and Fitness Center ABRAHAM DRINKIN’/THE STAGNANT
The newly renovated facade of the inaptly named McTwain Athletic and Fitness Center
ABRAHAM DRINKIN’ (Eric Wynen)/THE STAGNANT