Georgie Porgie on the Loose
Georgie Porgie on the Loose


By By A Pised off Writer- Droog

Residents of the St. Louis University of Missouri should be on the lookout for Georgie Porgie. According to students in the Millennium Student Center at 9:45 a.m. on March 28, Porgie was seen going into a rant.

Melanie Vallie, junior, ping-ponging, said,” Porgie’s breath was so bad, it knocked out approximately hundreds of people in the Nosh cafeteria. I was lucky to get out with my life!” The MSC had to be evacuated and decontaminated after Porgie’s presence, according to an MSC official.

Nick Stint, senior, synchronized belching, has his own interpretation of Porgie and his reign of terror at SLUM. “The reason that Mr. Porgie runs away, is because he is afraid he might lose on the running bet that I have with him. I bet him that I can be a real lady-killer. I can knock out more women with my belch than he can with his breath. He’s just afraid to show his face,” Stint said.

Regina Cree, freshman, lip-synchronization, has a different take on Porgie. Cree said, “Georgie Porgie is a craven coward. When the girls begin to cry, he runs away!” She then started rapping about Porgie. “Georgie Porgie pumpkin pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. Frankly, I do not know why, Porgie makes them cry. Porgie simply does not know why he such a buffoon, I heard he drinks from the toilets at the local saloons. That’s why when the girls cry, he doesn’t know what to say, so when the girls cry, he runs away!” Cree chanted.

According to Roger Roberts, English historian at SLUM, there are collections based on oral histories of Porgie. There are theories that link Georgie Porgie to George Villers, the first Duke of Buckingham from 1616 to 1628. Villars was married to Katherine Manner, the Duchess of Buckingham. Villars’ mother, the Countess of Buckingham choose Manners to marry her son. However, Manners’ father, the Earl of Rutland, did not like Villars at all.

“One oral narrative says that the king refused the Countess of Buckingham’s demand for a dowry, for her son to marry Katherine. The Countess was offended by seeing her daughter rejected in such a cavalier way, so she intended to put a sorcerous spell on the Earl, but it ended up getting Katherine instead. Katherine came down with a contagious disease as a result of the accident,” Roberts said.

According to Roberts, Villers refused to marry her at first, however, Manners’ womanly tenderness, piety, and chastity won Villars over. Still, it comes down to conjecture as to whether Villers even knew about the disease Katherine had contracted, and that was why he rejected her initially. “The only thing that I know is that Villers contacted the dreaded contagious disease from Katherine, and the psychological decline that Villers suffered turned him into Georgie Porgie, and that was how he developed the atrocious stench associated with him,” Roberts said.

Other theories, according to Roberts, is that Porgie is a descendent of Charles II of England. According to Roberts, there is a bold speculation that Georgie Porgie is really Titus Oates. Oates was a servant to Charles II and was said to have had an illicit affair with Charles’ wife Catherine of Braganza. “Oates was really belligerent toward Catherine, and was at the source of Catherine’s unpopularity in the Portugal royal house. Oates may also had an axe to grind with Catherine’s father, John, eighth Duke of Braganza, who disposed of his family, was a part of the House of Habsburg that the Duke decimated. And thus, Oates may have accused Catherine of high treason in a plot to poison Charles to cover up his affair with her,” Roberts said. According to Roberts, Oates had gone psychologically mad in his obsession to destroy Catherine; and thus turned into Georgie Porgie. Another theory discussed is that Georgie Porgie could also have been a descendent of George I.

Rob Trent, SLUM police chief, says that he does not have time to indulge in theories about who Georgie Porgie is. “If you apprehend Mr. Porgie, don’t approach him; contact the SLUM police,” Trent said.