The article is from The Stagnant, The Current‘s annual parody issue. It is not factual, so please do not consider it as such. If you have any questions regarding The Stagnant, e-mail us at thecurrent@umsl.edu.
Irrigation is a technology that has been used for millennia. Nearly every culture on earth that exists today has used irrigation in some form or another. Innovations in irrigation seldom come—but when they do, they change history forever.
Scientists at SLUM’s Center for Macroscience are set to do just that with their unveiling of a brand new revolution in irrigation technology.
“It’s totally cool,” gushed Rex Kingsley, director of the Center for Macroscience. “I mean, we don’t have a name for it yet—we’ve just been calling it the Nozzle.”
The Nozzle is a semi-rigid, flexible tubule approximately 25 feet in length and about a half inch in diameter. It has a circle-shaped opening on both ends to allow for a high-speed connection between it and water spigots.
“It’s a sort of… tube… for your yard or garden,” Kingsley said. “We tried calling it the garden tube, but that just sounded silly.”
The primary application of the Nozzle will be to use it as a new way to irrigate plants, Kingsley said. “We’re developing different extensions for the Nozzle,” he said.
“One of them is a finger-size extension called the ‘Thumb’ that, when placed over the opening of the Nozzle, causes the water to shoot out at an increased velocity and spread,” Kingsley said.
The Thumb isn’t the only proprietary technology that the Nozzle will feature. “Our newly patented connection facilitator is included,” Benjamin Smith, macroscience connection specialist, said. “It’s called the…uh…wait. Hey Nick, what’s it called?”
Nick Doret, also a connection specialist, was unable to answer.
“Well, there’s like a screw-type thing on the end of it. It’s… it’s all very technical and hard to explain.”
Currently, the Nozzle’s outward appearance is a bright green, but Kingsley assures The Stagnant that, once mass-produced, the Nozzle will come in a variety of colors, from “Exciting Beige” to “Earthtone Taupe.”
“The ways the Nozzle can be used is simply astounding,” Kingsley said. “We’re coming up with new ways to use it every day. For example, Nick over there thinks it might have some kind of application as a way to clean the outside of cars!”
Doret scowled darkly at this.
“Only because using it on the inside of cars was a disaster,” he muttered.
Speaking of disasters, SLUM chancellor J.Q. Vauxhall Jr. has played a very big part in the development of the Nozzle.
“That lady keeps naggin me [SLUM Provost Glenn Nohope] an’ tellin’ me that we need to make money ‘cause I been spendin’ all of it on whiskey, whores and buildin’ renovations. So’s when they told me ‘bout this here invention I reckoned it’d be a good way to make us some—seein’ as the gold pickin’s around here are rather slim,” Vauxhall Jr. said.
Kingsley brushed aside any concerns that the Nozzle is similar to already-existing products. “No way. The Nozzle is a totally unique product, unlike anything that is out there right now.
See NOZZLES page 28