The article is from The Stagnant, The Current‘s annual parody issue. It is not factual, so please do not consider it as such. If you have any questions regarding The Stagnant, e-mail us at thecurrent@umsl.edu.
William Clanfife XII, Saxon Lord of SLUM grounds and personal soothsayer to The Prospector, announced Wednesday that SLUM would begin offering an undergraduate certificate in alchemy beginning in 2011. The addition of such a program has been hailed by UM System executives as both a modern, exciting new major and also, according to insiders, a way to make a little extra money.
“Let’s face it,” the now former chancellor Thomas “The Tank Engine” George said. “Alchemy will not only yield untold scientific bounty, but could also help us make a little dent in our debt, if you know what I mean.”
When asked precisely what he meant, the former chancellor replied “We’ll be turning piles of steel into fucking gold.”
Alchemy core courses will be offered in Bendon Hall in a new underground chamber where students can study without fear of witches or roaming bands of Moors. As such, the environment should be perfect for the careful science of Alchemy, one which calls for precise measurements, detailed adherence to formulae, and a devout relationship with The Lord God Jehovah of Hosts.
“Warsh U tried a similar thing, but word is that their faith wasn’t strong enough, and their metals only converted halfway, much to the chagrin of the dean,” an anonymous source said.
Whether or not God truly does bless alchemy is, in its own way, a topic of controversy. George and others have stood behind Alchemy as an expression of faith, but the Catholic Nudeman Center, SLUM’s most prominent religious organization, has denounced the science, releasing a statement Thursday saying that “Alchemy is a foul practice of subversion to God’s natural chemical order. It is an undertaking suited only to Satanists. Or Mizzew students.”
From the student perspective, however, Alchemy promises to be popular. Students have been preregistering for the course in droves, a fact testified to by one breathless new alchemy professor, Kensing Jaffrey Merlin.
“There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold,” Merlin said. “And she’s buying admission to SLUM.”
Unable to contact said lady, we managed to track down Ravious Fengrald, freshman, alchemy, who is excited for the courses having taken a newly offered primer instructed by Professor Merlin.
“This chick came up to me in the Nosheous and asked me what the hell alchemy was … so I turned her milk into fucking liquid silver and walked away. Just walked away.”
Revenue from the new program will be funneled directly into the preservation of the Bendon/Stabler complex which, sources say, looks just about ready to fall over.