By Purple Hayes, Staff Biter

For years, students at the Saint Louis University of Missouri have wondered about the mysterious Sassin Building that is allegedly located on Natural Bridge, despite the lack of an actual building. Mainly, they have wondered what the building is all about. The name of it gives very few clues as to its origins or its purpose.

Some have guessed it was named after Youbi Sassin, beloved ex-professor of modern art and freeform physics, who died over a decade ago in a horrific accident involving two geese, a toy helicopter, and ennui. Others have proposed that, because of the Sassin Building site’s proximity to the Music Building, it refers to a musical technique, or some kind of exotic instrument, like a mandolin or a kazoo.

“Clearly, it refers to the act of sassin a woodwind instrument. Like a bassoon, see?” said Peter Piper, senior, applied Netflix and chill, who would not stop snapping his fingers after every other word. “Like, me and my boy Chet were down on the Loop just straight sassin on our reeds, dig? Just sassin, bruh, hip hoppin’ that jam. I mean, if we had instruments, see?”

However, The Stagnant has figured out the truth behind the Sassin Building, with information gathered through a series of anonymous love letters, secretive meetings in dimly lit trailers, furtive glances across the quad, and a staff member’s archived Quantum Link account. The truth is that everyone’s guesses until now have been horribly, hilariously incorrect. The real meaning of the Sassin Building is not that students cannot understand it; it is that the sign leading to the mystery building is wrong.

“That’s right! Wrong! Wrong, I say!” This is what Gwynna Getcha, Associate Dean of the No Nonsense (Unless Taken as a Minor) College, said unprovoked after we read her the rough draft of this article. We then requested a hearty evil cackle, and the resulting sound from Dean Getcha was so fear-inducing that our video production team crawled out of the nearest window.

In a series of interviews held in different trailers on South Campus, Getcha explained to The Stagnant that the problem is that the sign for the Sassin Building is missing an essential punctuation mark: an apostrophe after the word Sassin, thus making it “Sassin’.”

“You ever seen that episode of ‘Monty Python’ with the Argument Clinic? Wait, no, you’re all dumb millennials who don’t drive. Okay, never mind.” Getcha proceeded to explain that the Sassin’ Building is a way of learning the divine and awesome art of sass in all of its forms. To major in Sass, students must pick from one of the seven emphases: Back Talk; Saucy Mouth; The Nerve; Dank Bernie Sanders Memes; Talk to the Hand (and its required minor, Because the Wrist Is Pissed); Shonda Rhimes Twitter; Overly Expressive Eyebrows.

The rarely advertised Sass major falls under the umbrella of SLUM’s College of Education and Miseducation because, according to Getcha, the program is all about “taking fools to school.” She then added, “My doctorate studies were on puns and wordplay, so it makes sense, right? It’s my specialty, literally. Have you ever spent a year on a thirty page analysis of a single Marx Brothers joke? Didn’t think so. Plus, the education people have more money! Isn’t that hilarious?” Getcha spent the next half hour explaining why that connection was hilarious, but The Stagnant started dozing off fifteen minutes in. Plus, no one had bothered to turn on the voice recorder that had been brought in for transcription purposes.

Now that the truth is out about the Sassin’ Building, South Campus has something worth talking about other than Pro Hoe and the big glass building that is being used for Freemason meetings on the down-low. People at SLUM are very excited about the prospect of the Sassin’ Building and possibly majoring in Sass.

“I for one am very excited that you told me about this, random Stagnant reporter!” said Richard Pecker, sophomore, reverse engineering. “As a budding stand-up comedian, I am pleased as punch that I can make my passion my career goal as well. Have you seen me at all the open mics on campus? I really crush it on stage! People seem to love my violently misogynistic and xenophobic humor! If I add sass to it, who knows? I could run for president!”

The grand opening of the Sassin’ Building is scheduled for sometime between today and the inevitable heat death of the universe, depending on budgetary issues. Those interested in switching their major to the School of Sass are encouraged to take a hike, but also submit an official form of intent to change majors to the College of Education and Miseducation’s main office.

Hi Mom THEODOSIA BURR’S SEX DUNGEON (Sarah Hayes)/THE STAGNANT