By The Artist Formally Known as ‘Rando,’ Staff Biter

Ever since Brain Stew started cheating on his husband Common Room Coffee to be with The Current last fall, the clandestine relationship has been described, in the words of one tabloid, as “tumultuous at best, steel cage match at worst.” Their start certainly did not bode well for the couple. They were initially brought together as a result of the discovery that Common Room Coffee had a leaked Ashley Madison profile. Unfortunately, the relationship has recently turned sour, and according to their publicists, this time the split looks permanent.

Trouble started early for The Current and Brain Stew. Almost immediately after Brain Stew left his husband, he found out that The Current also had a leaked Ashley Madison profile that he was using to cheat with other married men. According to Brain Stew’s publicist, R. Gewing, “When my client discovered the ‘Current-ly Horny’ profile, he was devastated. Why would The Current do this to my client after Ashley Madison had already destroyed one of my client’s relationships? And The Current wouldn’t even stop after he got busted for it. My client found out in January that The Current was using the profile to arrange bi-weekly trysts with Smellrive.”

The Current’s publicist, Anne E. Mossity, recently told The Stagnant that The Current had legitimate reasons to seek out affection from other partners. “My client knew that he did a bad thing and was apologetic afterwards, but he has a side of the story that deserves to be heard. The Current constantly complained to me that Brain Stew never appreciated anything he did. The Current made all the money, and Brain Stew had the nerve to accuse him of running a criminal enterprise to make it, since, in Brain Stew’s words, ‘no one could possibly want to give money to a business that’s all boring facts and junk,’” said Mossity.

To make matters worse, Brain Stew has fallen in with a bad crowd. In particular, he has befriended three twenty-somethings with a reputation for being snarky, lazy, and disruptive: amateur philosopher Brock Shinyhead, born-again Mormon DJ MC Kendall, and way-too-avant-garde street artist Kitty Dickinson. Within a few weeks of encountering them, Brain Stew was reportedly spending all his time drinking with them, ranting about literature, and spelling everything wrong on purpose. Mossity said, “Those three might as well have moved in. They were crashing at my client’s home every other night anyway.”

The breaking point in their relationship allegedly came on March 30 at midnight when The Current came back to their joint home to find the three run amok in the house. According to Mossity, Kendall was scratching her turntables and rapping the praises of Salt Lake City, Dickinson was painting a giant mural of Lady Gaga out of chicken blood—no sign of the chicken—and Brain Stew and Shinyhead were smoking on the couch. When The Current tried to ask what the trio was doing there, Shinyhead reportedly responded, “No, the real question is: what are any of us doing here, man?” Brain Stew and Shinyhead then laughed at that while The Current sputtered in disbelief. Mossity said, “Not knowing what else to do, my client just ordered a pizza and curled up in a corner playing Pokemon on his DS.”

According to both Gewing and Mossity, The Current moved out of their house and the two have not spoken since the incident. Gewing said, “I cannot even believe it. I mean, yes, their relationship was an absolute train wreck characterized by drunken fits, cheating allegations, and petty insults, but it was the train wreck that we all loved to watch. I know I needed to stay professional, but every time there was a development, I just wanted to get some popcorn, put my feet up, and laugh at all the ensuing drama.”

Although their relationship appears to have ended, Gewing and Mossity expect that there will be fierce legal battles for custody of the couple’s pet ostrich Litmag.

Litmag, the ostrich in question
Litmag, the ostrich in question