By Bea A. Fraid, Chief Private Eye

The following is a series of daily crime reports issued by the St. Louis University of Missouri (SLUM) Police Department from March 16 to March 20. With all this crime, one thing is clear: you need to hide yo chips and guard yo life from geese. (And watch your back from statues on the loose.)

March 16: At 12:05 p.m., A SLUM student reported that their hot n’ zesty chips had been stolen by an unidentified crook from the vending machine near the Slosh. The student reported that they inserted their money into the vending machine and made their selection, only to have the chips get stuck in the machine—an experience most SLUM students can sadly identify with. The student began banging on the machine and shaking it, but as the chips fell to the bottom, the bandit moved in, swiped them, and made off, scaling tables and chairs and knocking over anyone who was in their path on their getaway. The chip bandit was still on the loose at the time of this report.

March 17: At 1:08 p.m., an angry swarm of approximately 100 geese surrounded and chased a group of students who were walking in the North Campus Rectangle outside the Centennial Student Center. The students fled into buildings and no one was seriously injured, aside from a few minor nips and pecks. When the SLUM police arrived, most of the geese fled the scene on wing. Two geese were apprehended by police but are refusing to divulge any information about their motives or reveal any details about other geese involved in the crime.

March 18: At 11:18 a.m., a SLUM student who was late for class and apparently could not find a parking space (what else is new?) drove onto the sidewalk and parked his car directly outside the Centennial Student Center doors. Other students who thought the space was now designated for parking followed suit, resulting in no one being able to exit or enter the building from that entrance. Hopefully SLUM’s new valet service will prevent any future occurrences like this one.

March 19: At 1:52 p.m., a gaggle of approximately 50 flying geese crashed through a window of the Centennial Student Center bridge and out the other window. The gaggle was gone before SLUM police arrived on scene, but a witness said that none of them appeared to be hurt and that the gaggle carried on as if nothing had happened. It is unknown at this time if this incident is connected to the March 17 incident, but the SLUM police suspect the geese may, for reasons unknown at this time, be out for revenge.

March 20: At 2:02 p.m., a student walking past the Wade Bad statue reporting being punched in the back from behind. When the student turned around, no one was in sight. A report was taken by the SLUM police. Later, at 4:05 p.m., a second student reported a book being hit in the head by a book that was thrown at them. The SLUM police took a second report, only to notice that the book that used be in the Wade Bad statue’s hand was missing. Then at 5:03 p.m., a passing faculty member noticed that the Wade Bad statue had disappeared completely from its cemented post. When the SLUM police arrived on scene to investigate, the only piece of evidence they recovered was a note reading: “I’m sick of you all putting shirts on me that never fit and never getting a say about any of it. I’m leaving for a better place where I’ll never have to wear such uncomfortable attire again.” At the time of this report, the statue had not been recovered… and may possibly still be out there walking around somewhere. Remember to watch your back.

Wade Bad, in better days
Wade Bad, in better days