Edward loves the bling.
Hate “Twilight?” Those who do will absolutely love “Vampires Suck,” the recently released parody of the film, following the likes of “Epic Movie” and the “Scary Movie” saga.
Naturally, with ties to such films as the aforementioned, several readers may become wary of “Vampires Suck,” after all, most films like “Meet the Spartans” and “Date Movie” really do not stack up all that well. Those who understand the jokes enjoy them once or twice, whereas most viewers leave the theatre feeling slightly, if not overwhelmingly, confused.
However, this is “Vampires Suck,” the first live-action film dedicated to insulting the worst over-hyped teen novel since “Harry Potter,” the “Twilight Saga.”
This secretive chronicle of abstinence has nearly as many underage girls jumping out of their seats at theatres as the Jonas Brothers. Just like Disney, Stephanie Meyers has found a way to sell sex to young girls through the use of abstinence.
How many guys reading this have been dragged along to see these films? How many have laughed at the ridiculous plotline, only to be hit or screamed at by adoring fans throughout the theatre? Well, this may not be epic payback, but it certainly works.
First off, the story is roughly the same. Pale girl leaves mother to live with father, falls in love with vampire who sparkles in the sun rather than dying. The vampire loves her, too. The abstinence storyline ensues. A werewolf boy attempts to steal the pale girl. The pale girl chooses abstinent vampire. Story done.
However, where “Vampires Suck” really shines is in its ability to take every stupid moment from the story’s “deep plot,” and turn it into exactly what it would have looked like if not imagined by a largely prepubescent and age 50-plus fan-base: absolute absurdity!
For example, a scene occurs where Edward does not want to have sex with the pale girl, yet she attempts to rape him, for all intents and purposes. In the original story, the overpowered vampire, currently struggling with his need to eat the girl, and at the same time, clearly not interested in sleeping with her, simply pushes her aside.
However, “Vampires Suck’s” presentation includes pots being broken over her head, her being thrown into space and falling back through the roof, and the culminating presentation by Edward of his “purity ring!” This proclamation, by the way, is made in one of the most fabulous voices any man could possess!
Further plays upon the original story include the wolf boy turning into a Chihuahua and being completely obsessed with cats, as well as being used as a tracking dog by the local police department in their search for a group of rogue vampires. Just imagine it:
human-Chihuahua creatures, leading the cops to victory! Needless to say, the audience was highly amused.
The entire movie culminates in a bloody battle royal between supporters of Team Edward and Team Jacob. Finally, the true story of “Twilight” is revealed, as its typical fan base brawls on screen for the entire world to see. Now, if only this would happen in real life.
Anybody who has recently heard a crowd of squealing prepubescent girls at a theatre or bookstore will appreciate this film. Anybody belonging to one of these crowds, well, may want to wait for Stephanie Meyer to stop crying over spilt milk. This film, while not life changing, will certainly make up for being dragged to the original movies or book releases.
